


Bloodseal

by Captain_Hughes_ZU



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Gen, Internal Monologue, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-10-27
Packaged: 2018-02-22 20:24:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2520653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Hughes_ZU/pseuds/Captain_Hughes_ZU
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I remember everything that happened, every thought that crossed my mind. The pain of auto-mail surgery tends to burn stuff like that into the back of your head, y'know? But there was one thing I remember much stronger than the rest, the one thing that pulled me through.</p><p>(Yup, not sure how exactly the site works yet. This is my guinea pig. Please enjoy!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bloodseal

**Author's Note:**

> Hey readers! This is the first story I've ever posted on this site, so I'm not one hundred percent sure if I'm doing it right. Leave me a comment to tell me I'm an idiot if I've been an idiot! If not, enjoy my little fic thingy! It's kinda angsty and one of my older stories, but I hope you like it anyway. :3  
> (I'm not really sure how to do the formatting... I hope it worked.)

I remember everything I thought while it happened. Every little word that crossed my mind, right down to the most insignificant detail.

But the one I remember strongest was Alphonse. That's why I was doing it after all. For him. For my little brother.

I remember feeling so afraid, terrified…and what little kid wouldn't be? It hurt so bad, it was unbearable, but I had to.

I'd been thinking of it for a while beforehand, and I'd gone through all possible solutions in my head. But this one was the most reliable, the quickest way to get back on two feet. The _only_ way.

It was inevitable; I would have to get auto-mail.

Didn't matter what kind, didn't matter what it looked like, didn't matter how much it cost, didn't matter how much it would hurt.

I just had to get back up. I had to keep going, I had to find some way to get Alphonse back to what he was, there was nothing more to add.

I remember telling Granny what I wanted. I can still hear the words echo in my own ears, and I doubt she's forgotten either.

_"Make me an arm and a leg so I can walk and do things for myself!"_

I was even scared of what was coming when I'd said that. Winry had always told stories about people who came in needing auto-mail, and most of them involved screaming and a lot of pain.

But back to my earlier point; the only way.

So, while I lay there on that bed, Granny and Winry disinfecting that stump of an arm on my shoulder, I thought, _I just have to make it through to the end. Only that far, and then it'll be done. No matter how much it hurts, I can't give up. If I give up, I'm giving up on Al, and everything we've working for, and I'll never be able to help him. I'll never be the brother he deserves._

Granny told me to hang tight, to think of something else, think of the reason I was doing this. So I did.

When the pain started, it was all I could feel. I didn't know where I was, what was going on, or why I felt like this.

 _It hurts!_ I thought. _It hurts so much! Why did I do this? Why did I put myself in this position? Why does it hurt so much? Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Why?!_

It was like a million things all happening at once; it felt like I was being burned, stabbed, shot, stung and whipped.

There was a wild pain in my shoulder that burned it's way across my chest, and I can remember it feeling like my lungs were being constricted. I think there was a second when I stopped breathing altogether, out of sheer agony.

There was the pain I felt when I first lost my arm and leg, multiplied by a hundred - no, a _thousand_. It felt like someone was trying to tear me apart from inside, it was that white-hot, stinging pain.

You know how when you graze your knee, it starts heating up and then stings like crazy?

Yeah, well, it was like that, only on a _much_ larger scale.

And then, every so often, a ferocious bolt of cold, ravaging pain shot through my entire body, like lightning. Each one brought tears to my eyes, but I clenched them shut and gritted my teeth against them.

Oh, but it hurt. It hurt _so badly_.

To me, it seemed like the rest of the world had stopped for this, and nothing else existed apart from the pain.

There was one point, I felt sure I was going to die. I was panicked, petrified, and I thought, _I don't want to die! I can't die! Not here, not now! I can't die when we haven't even started, and Al is still…he's still stuck to that armour through a bloodseal! I can't…I DON'T WANNA DIE!_

And then I remembered what Granny had said to me; _The reason you're doing this._

Alphonse. Alphonse was my reason. He's my reason for this. He's why I've done all these things, gone all these places, said all those words.

I put him in that armour. And from that point on, the only thing I needed to do was get him back out. He was the reason for it all.

I don't care what he says, I don't give a damn about myself. If I can get my arm and leg back as well as his body, that'll be a bonus.

And so, during that surgery, through that haze of mindless pain, I kept one thing stuck in my mind.

His smile.

That smile that was so like our mother's, that smile that I almost couldn't stand to be without. I _had_ to get that smile back for him, or die trying.

No matter how much it hurt.

I thought, _I gotta do this. For Al. Just remember that, it's for Al. For Al._

His smile was the one thing I remember strongest, and I think, it might be the reason I was able to get through that surgery. I always felt, strangely enough, that I would have died if I hadn't had that thought in my head. _For Al._

I think, during the surgery, I probably told Granny and Winy a lot of things I didn't really mean to. They just sort of…slipped out.

I probably went on and on about how sorry I was for what had happened to Al, and how everything was my fault. About how my pain was nothing compared to his. About why I needed this. Why _he_ needed it. I always remember how much I thought he must hate me for all that had happened.

I didn't deserve to be his older brother. What were older siblings supposed to do? That's right, protect their little brothers and sisters.

Well, I failed pretty nicely in that department, eh?

But it's alright now, because there was that one time…I know he doesn't hate or blame me for it. And yet...I still blame myself.

But I'm getting off topic. Back to the point.

I always had this impression that my soul might have slipped away during all that pain, and I might have been left as a hollow body. That maybe I would end up back in that white place, stuck on the other side of that gate with that glowing being – the Truth – grinning madly at me as I was torn away from the world and my soul was handed to him.

But Al's smile stuck in my head, and I could almost _hear_ his voice telling me to stay put. Telling me that I wasn't allowed to die. Telling me how much I needed to stay, and I tried my hardest to ignore it all, and to keep his face in my head, to listen to that voice.

That was the reason I didn't die; why I could still live on through all of it.

That was the reason I did it all; went through all the pain and all the suffering and everything I had to.

That was the reason I can walk now; that I could go through with everything and move towards my goal that would have been impossible before.

That was the reason I could later go to and tell that it was okay; I was okay, and I was going to fix his body.

That was the reason my soul stayed in my body; like a bloodseal, it kept my soul from being sucked away to the other side and leaving a hollow shell behind.

Alphonse was my bloodseal.


End file.
